More Food for Thought on Spiders…


Welcome to life as I know it.


 Truer words have never been spoken.


It’s just safer.


 So long story short… spiders lead to a lot of fires.


I know you do.  That’s why I have been sleeping on the couch for two months now.




The Devil’s Creatures

Let’s talk about spiders… and when I say “let’s talk”, I really mean “let me talk at you” about spiders.  And if you’re one of those people that are like, “Nooo, spiders are great!  They catch flies and other pesky bugs.” you can just leave.  Like, right now.  You simply cannot understand.

Spiders are the most horrifying type of insect (read: demon) because they are always there when you least expect it.  You will be on your game for weeks, carefully checking the ceiling each time you sit down to watch TV, looking around before you step in the shower, and double-checking any strange dots on the walls at work, and then the second you relax for a second… BOOM  Spider time.  I cannot even count the number of times that I have had this eerie feeling sweep over me once I lay down on my bed and right as I am about to turn off the light to go to sleep I think, “Wait a second…” and 9 times out of 10 when I look around, sure enough, there is a spider casually crawling 3 feet above my head, waiting to begin its murderous descent once the lights are off.

It’s truly amazing that I have not been killed yet.  I can only thank my sixth sense, otherwise known as my Spider Scope, for my life.

The worst part about spiders (I know what you’re thinking, how could I possibly identify the worst part about spiders because everything about them is the worst, but just bear with me) is that they are smart.  They can sense your terror… and they love it.  When a spider sees you enter a room that it’s chilling in, it never goes “Oh, this poor lady girl could really use some alone time to relax, I’m just going to excuse myself and return to the great outdoors where I belong.” 1453527_10200976768686379_517606211_n-1Instead, the motherfucker positions itself in your prime line of view before skirting out of sight, disappearing without a trace for the next several days, so that you can never feel safe again.

Just remember… you’re never alone.  Sweet dreams, folks.

Impress Your Friends

So here we are.  On muh blog.  You probably are wondering how I crafted this nifty blog.  Wellllll, first I Googled “How to make a blog.”  That’s when I discovered the real purpose for creating a blog – to totally impress my friends.
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That got me thinking about how else I could impress my friends.  So, naturally, I googled that too.  I know what you’re thinking – how about breaking an apple open with your bare hands?  I know.  Me too.  Luckily – that was one of the first results that popped up.  
So you could say I’ve got you covered.

But what else?  What if you want to, like, seriously impress your friends?  I made a list just for you.  Here we go.

1) Show them that you’re cultured by casually slipping words from a foreign language into your everyday conversation.  “Yeah, the tiempo really has been crazy lately, Todd.  What’s next… nevicata?  La pluie?”

2) Do some investigating and learn obscure facts about them that they never would have guessed you would know.  Pro tip: Secretly message their relatives or old friends from home on Facebook for the inside scoop – but, like any true sleuth, never reveal your sources to your friends.  (Trust me, they won’t be creeped out.)

3) Tell them a hilarious joke.  Here’s a recent favorite:  Two potatoes are best friends and they are walking down the street together.  All of a sudden, a car comes flying around the corner and hits one of the potatoes.  The uninjured potato calls an ambulance and does the best that he can to help his injured friend.  The injured potato is rushed to the ER and goes straight into surgery.  After an agonizing wait, the doctor finally comes out and tells the uninjured potato, “I’ve got good news and bad news.  The good news is that your friend is going to make it.  The bad news is that he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

4) Buy an alpaca.  Show it off.

5)  Wear sunglasses on your head during the winter.  Indoors.

6) Quote important-sounding people from the past that you’ve actually made up.  “Well, as Reginald Evingston put it best, ‘Impressiveness is earned both when one least expects it and when one plans for it most.'”

7) Go pro at a sport.

8) Perfect the art of staring pensively into the distance when people are looking in your direction.

Until next time.  You’re welcome.