The Devil’s Creatures

Let’s talk about spiders… and when I say “let’s talk”, I really mean “let me talk at you” about spiders.  And if you’re one of those people that are like, “Nooo, spiders are great!  They catch flies and other pesky bugs.” you can just leave.  Like, right now.  You simply cannot understand.

Spiders are the most horrifying type of insect (read: demon) because they are always there when you least expect it.  You will be on your game for weeks, carefully checking the ceiling each time you sit down to watch TV, looking around before you step in the shower, and double-checking any strange dots on the walls at work, and then the second you relax for a second… BOOM  Spider time.  I cannot even count the number of times that I have had this eerie feeling sweep over me once I lay down on my bed and right as I am about to turn off the light to go to sleep I think, “Wait a second…” and 9 times out of 10 when I look around, sure enough, there is a spider casually crawling 3 feet above my head, waiting to begin its murderous descent once the lights are off.

It’s truly amazing that I have not been killed yet.  I can only thank my sixth sense, otherwise known as my Spider Scope, for my life.

The worst part about spiders (I know what you’re thinking, how could I possibly identify the worst part about spiders because everything about them is the worst, but just bear with me) is that they are smart.  They can sense your terror… and they love it.  When a spider sees you enter a room that it’s chilling in, it never goes “Oh, this poor lady girl could really use some alone time to relax, I’m just going to excuse myself and return to the great outdoors where I belong.” 1453527_10200976768686379_517606211_n-1Instead, the motherfucker positions itself in your prime line of view before skirting out of sight, disappearing without a trace for the next several days, so that you can never feel safe again.

Just remember… you’re never alone.  Sweet dreams, folks.