Impress Your Friends

So here we are.  On muh blog.  You probably are wondering how I crafted this nifty blog.  Wellllll, first I Googled “How to make a blog.”  That’s when I discovered the real purpose for creating a blog – to totally impress my friends.
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That got me thinking about how else I could impress my friends.  So, naturally, I googled that too.  I know what you’re thinking – how about breaking an apple open with your bare hands?  I know.  Me too.  Luckily – that was one of the first results that popped up.  
So you could say I’ve got you covered.

But what else?  What if you want to, like, seriously impress your friends?  I made a list just for you.  Here we go.

1) Show them that you’re cultured by casually slipping words from a foreign language into your everyday conversation.  “Yeah, the tiempo really has been crazy lately, Todd.  What’s next… nevicata?  La pluie?”

2) Do some investigating and learn obscure facts about them that they never would have guessed you would know.  Pro tip: Secretly message their relatives or old friends from home on Facebook for the inside scoop – but, like any true sleuth, never reveal your sources to your friends.  (Trust me, they won’t be creeped out.)

3) Tell them a hilarious joke.  Here’s a recent favorite:  Two potatoes are best friends and they are walking down the street together.  All of a sudden, a car comes flying around the corner and hits one of the potatoes.  The uninjured potato calls an ambulance and does the best that he can to help his injured friend.  The injured potato is rushed to the ER and goes straight into surgery.  After an agonizing wait, the doctor finally comes out and tells the uninjured potato, “I’ve got good news and bad news.  The good news is that your friend is going to make it.  The bad news is that he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

4) Buy an alpaca.  Show it off.

5)  Wear sunglasses on your head during the winter.  Indoors.

6) Quote important-sounding people from the past that you’ve actually made up.  “Well, as Reginald Evingston put it best, ‘Impressiveness is earned both when one least expects it and when one plans for it most.'”

7) Go pro at a sport.

8) Perfect the art of staring pensively into the distance when people are looking in your direction.

Until next time.  You’re welcome.